A real grown-up is hard to find

Posted: August 13, 2010 in Life
Tags: , , ,

Do we ever really grow up?  Or are we doomed to be children in adults skin forever, speaking corporate language, wearing power suits (damn those shoulder pads for coming back into fashion!) whilst wondering what the hell it’s all about?!  Did Peter Pan represent the reality rather than the fantasy – that deep down we are all just children rebelling against the chains of age that the world ties us down with?  And at what point are we meant to become grown up? 16 or 18 or 21 perhaps?  Or maybe we never mentally reach adulthood; we just learn to hide our childish behaviour and only let it slip out when we get mad, drunk or fall in love! 

These last two days have been filled with very grown up things – trying to sort out a new mortgage and interviewing for a new job.  I just don’t feel ready for this!  My last foray into both events was whilst I was under a big long-term break up cloud and I really don’t remember a huge amount about it!  Only that they were things that had to be done.  Now I have to deal with them in a sane state of mind and it’s scary!  “I am having a grown up conversation with another grown up about very grown up things….so why don’t I feel grown up?!” 

“Do you have a will?” my mortgage broker asked.  What?!  Of course I don’t have a will – I’m only ten years old, why would I need a will?!  But I’m not ten years old – I just feel like it sometimes!  Particularly when I’m advising people OLDER THAN ME at work on serious issues and thinking “how did I get from wearing ra-ra skirts and sitting in the corner at the school disco to this?”!  Or when colleagues behave like bullies and make you feel like you’re back in the playground….but that’s another story! 

Thinking about not being grown up makes me think about my childhood.  In particular my stepfather, Alan, a pipe smoking, good-looking guy who I had hoped would be around for a long time.  I remember being about 8 when he and my mum married after a relatively whirlwind romance.  Unfortunately, my stepfather found it difficult to cope with a ready-made family and after a competition to see who my mum would side with first it all went sour.  There was a time in my 20’s when I looked back on his behaviour and thought how incredibly childish he was.  I thought that being in your late 30’s equated to being grown up and therefore you should behave like an adult.  How wrong I was!  I realise I’m now a similar age to what he was then and finally I can understand how people end up exhibiting not very adult like behaviour when dealing with relationships and coping with other people’s children.  Whatever you do, however successful you are, it seems like there is a small child in all of us, just waiting to scream and shout and shatter that grown up image that we all try to portray. 

So, do we ever grow up?  Judging by the behaviour of adults around me as well as my own behaviour sometimes, I think that in reality we are all stuck in our childhood, probably at different ages, but nonetheless often reacting to events in a manner which we should really have grown out of by now!  By our age…..

God knows how I’ll manage if ever I get married or have children of my own!  What a terrifying thought!  Don’t you have to be at least 60 or something to do that?!

Well, nothing wrong with being Peter Pan for now – he had some very useful skills!  *Sigh* If only I could fly life would be so much better….!!! 

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